hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
