cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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