I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
