I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Still dying that you shit outside
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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