I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize