I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
it was like eating out sand paper
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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