I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
