You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My pussy is not your playground.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
