i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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