plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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