I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize