she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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