i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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