I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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