You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
