They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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