i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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