I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
