Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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