I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You just made me feel so damn special
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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