based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It was confusing and full of hummus
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize