Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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