there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
