I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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