I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
