Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
