I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
