Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
