i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
