I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
