It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
