i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
