you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
