1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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