guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
