Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
