Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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