My friends, they love my intelligence
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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