Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This is classic penis vs brain.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
