dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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