he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
