Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize