mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
