And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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