you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
