In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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