I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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