My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
