I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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