The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
