Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
