we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
