i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize