Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
