I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
