He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Randomize
